The lost pages...From the diary of a hopeless dreamer

" I need a place
That's hidden in the deep
Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep...

I need a place
Where I can make my bed
A lover's lap where I can lay my head...."

"Atlantic"
Under the iron sea
Keane

The tide of the fortune turns.... Feels like he is trying to hide from himself. A tell-tale sign about what is going on inside of him. He looks away.

"This can't be true", he says to himself. But whom is he kidding? He knows he can never turn the clock back from where it all started going wrong. 'Wrong', such a relative word. Didn't seem to him to be wrong while he saw it happening.

Then the inevitable question, "Why me, God?" Ironically, he contradicted his own statement while letting go. The choices not made. He will never know. It was never going to work. No matter how hard he tried. It was never meant to be.

"But everything was so right" Another prosaic statement. Its always the same in the end. Bitter words remain unresolved queries and variables which never mattered to him at that split-second.

He asks himself again, "Why are you feeling this?" But he doesn't have any answer. A salt water droplet rolls down his cheeks.

"Come on! Don't tell me that you are crying!", he shouts out loud. "You don't deserve this" Perhaps signs of losing control of his emotions. He recollects his emotions. Holds them back.

He hears a voice, someone speaking. Did anyone hear him? No. It is just his conscience.

"Its time to move on and you're in the way, I can't do this without your help"

"How can I let go? She is all that I had"

"What's that you say?... She built you up so she could knock you back down? Aren't you the one she called 'Just another hopeless dreamer'..."

"Let go brother, you're clinging on to air...you're reaching back to something that you never had.."

He held himself back till now. He went down on his knees. An excruciating pain swept through his veins onto his head. He felt a sudden rush of blood to his head. Emotions so fragile that they got the better of him. He let go of it. They took the form of teardrops.

"Yes, brother. Let that poison out of your mind. You will be free"

"I don't know why you don't know when and where to draw the line"

"It's time to move on now, let it by, everything will be alright"

He wondered. They say happy moments flashes by when you are about to die. Maybe he died. "Lets get to the end, this is over". A full stop. An abrupt halt. He tried to feel himself. He did not feel anything.

"No, I won't let this go down like this". And a miracle happened. He breathed. No, it wasn't a sigh. It was like he filled his lungs with fear. And exhaled. It was all over now. A wry grin. Like that sole surviving symbol of hope and things to come. Yes. He stands up. A smug look on his face. He nods. In acceptance. No, can't be. Acceptance of the bitter truth.

His found himself climbing out from that genius of the bottomless pit of fate. But will the winds of fate bring him down again? Maybe, maybe not. But one thing for sure. He will bend but he will never break. Guess time is his best teacher. A lesson learnt. Now that he knows his fears and ways to overcome them, he is resurrected stronger and more determined than ever before. Determination - a formidable force. No one can break him now.

The sands of time moves on to its destiny. So does he.

He starts walking from the place he was standing. A walk to remember. He knows he will never forget this place that time, those moments in which he felt that he lost himself to nothingness. That indescribable emotion. He snaps back into reality. Makes a wish.

"God, don't let this happen to even my worst enemy"

He smiles. He feels that he has control over his emotions now. He is home. Yes, home to his feelings.

He looks up at the night sky. A bit closer to heaven. He lets out a breath. Relief.

"For a lonely soul you sure are happy" He grins, a winner's smile. He won.

Leaving these moments, he marches onwards and taking the world at one careful stride at a time. This is a weird place. But it's not over. Yes. He has turn the tides. Time was back on his side again. A sign from Lady Luck herself. He felt all his strength recollected.

Now that he has walked so far away from the things which he left behind, he stopped dead at his tracks. Looks back again.

"Letting go was never supposed to be easy"

"The silver lining cloud" Yes, he sees it. He felt that his sun is rising. Time in his hands and the world is at his feet. Nothing more can hold him back. Yes. He has set himself free.